Green light, Kenpachi's delight
by HeartFout
Summary: In this crack fic, Kenpachi ends up commanding a Imperial Guard squad against the Necron Menace with little or no justification. Warhammer 40K cross.


Title: Green light, Kenpachi's delight.

Crackfic. I own neither Warhammer 40K or Bleach.

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Kenpachi would be lying if he said he knew exactly what was going on. He had a good grasp of the first bit: that freak from twelfth wanted to test out a new interdimensional transportation device. No idea how the fuck it worked, he had just stood (or stooped, it wasn't quite big enough) in a big tube, after being convinced it was just a quick trip, there and back, communicator on just in case he found something good they could look at. Oh, and Mayuri would be paying for his entire squad, and him, to go drinking at the weekend, damages and all.

He had found something good. It was a warzone. To Kenpachi, this was very good indeed.

Except it wasn't the good kind of warzone. The one where you strode in, laughing, carving up mooks until some super powered bastard came and carved you up.

Then you grabbed your sword in both hands and carved him up and great fun is had by all.

No, this was a weird kind of warzone. The logical progression of the kind used in Ichigo's world. He wasn't sure these guys, the `Imperial Guard` or whatever, actually knew what they were facing. The first guy he met thought he was something called a `Space Marine`, and somehow he found himself in charge of an entire artillery division, which just kept on firing in the general direction of the where the enemy was thought to be.

Sighing, he gestured to the girl who had been made his aide (a little runty shy thing who pushed papers around all day until he came along.) for tea, or this weird places weird version there of. Glancing around to make sure he was alone in the room, he turned the device Freaky had given him.

"Oi, you. Any luck fixing the damn thing?"

"No, Captain Zaraki." He recognised the voice, Freaky's `daughter` that Yachiru hung around with all the time. "Estimated time of completion is three days."

Three days. Three more fucking days left here bossing around bastards without seeing any real action. Damnit, he wished there was a Menos arriving right now.

As if in answer, the entire base shook something big, or several things, teleported into the air around it. Dragging himself out, grabbing his sword as he went, Kenpachi swung himself through a metal wall that lead to the outside. He gave a satifised snort as the damn paperwork (he swore, there was enough paperwork back home for him to avoid, what did they want him to do here?)

A scene of carnage met his eyes. It was a comforting familiar sight.

The hapless human defenders were being attacked by what appeared to be a bunch of robots walking out of a giant pyramid with a glowy crystal on top. The green light from their weapons crackled through the air, and anyone hit by it disappeared instantly, their atomic structure ripped apart by the terrifying power of their foe. One of them hit Kenpachi in the shoulder. It tickled.

The girl ran back into the room, her clothes stained with the weak brown liquid they claimed was tea. Her eyes were wide with terror, her hands shaking.

"Hey, Girlie?" Asked Kenpachi, leaning back through the gap he had made in the metal. "Tell me what these things are?"

Her voice seemed to be on the same vibrational frequency as her hands; it shook like jelly on a plate in an earthquake.

"Ne...necro...necrons sir!" she shouted, wide eyed. "The battle with the heretic chaos supporters must have awakened them...but how...argh....ahh...ahhhhhh....AHHH! Zaraki sir, behind you!"

Spinning around, he saw another of those damn massive pyramids fly silently down beside him. A panel slide open on its front, and a squad of five ghastly white soldiers, armed with long spear like weapon with the same glowing core as the one of other type had in their weapons positioned in the tip, emerged from the sickly green portal onto the blasted ground.

A feeling of utter terror washed over him at the site of them. Behind him, he could hear the girl being sick and babbling, her mind driven crazy by the presence of the terrible things. Two soldiers who had been standing nearby, big tough buggers, some of the few who were able to stand that time he accidently took his eye patch off in the mess room, had curled up into two little balls, their weapons forgotten.

Kenpachi decided the best way to deal with the situation was simply to get rid of the buggers, so he chopped the nearest one in half.

He then had to chop it in half again cause the damn thing kept crawling towards him. He caught a second one with one hand and threw it back through the portal, before swinging his sword round again and managing to decapitate a third trying to sneak up on him.

He wasn't quite so lucky with the fourth though. Its blade had swung down, catching him across the chest. As the jet of blood spurted up, he grinned at the first feeling of real pain since he had arrived here. Catching himself, he met the next blow with his own blade, forcing the thing back into a wall before punching it as hard as he could in the face.

Its head exploded most pleasingly.

At that very moment, the fifth member of the squad, along with the broken bodies of the other pariahs, disappeared. Even the different pieces of the first one he had destroyed vanished.

"Che. Boring." Muttered Kenpachi. He could have done with fighting the last one too.

Looking around, there were another pyramid flying down onto the war torn soil, delivering yet another payload of the silent metallic warriors to the horror of the human defenders. Kenpachi scratched his nose with his sword. Sure he could kill these things, these necrons by himself, but it was clear the idiots he was in command of couldn't even harm the buggers without heavy weapons fire.

Firstly he decided he needed to take out this pyramid so that no more came out while he was away beating the hell out of the other ones. Grabbing his sword in both hands he swung it down as hard as he could onto the metal surface.

It made a dull clanging sound.

For a shinigami captain, used to destroying large buildings by unsheathing his sword, this was rather annoying. So Kenpachi took off his eye patch (at least one person started foaming at the mouth: to her credit, the paper pusher girl somehow managed to stay up right under the intense spirit pressure) and tried again.

It made a dull clanging sound. And then Necron troops poured out of it.

After Kenpachi had hacked through those, he glanced back at the soldiers who had now secured a ballistics platform and were bringing the heavy bombardment weapon around to meet the pyramid thing on the far side of the encampment.

Volley after volley were fired, yet the damn thing stood firm.

"It's no good!" shouted one of them down. "We just don't have the power required! If we had the special ammunition it might work, but-" he was cut off as a jet of green light struck where his head had been a moment before.

"That's in the storage depo, and the way there is blocked by that thing!" he said, pointing to the monolith he had been firing at.

"Special...ammo?" asked Kenpachi, stroking his chin wisely. He felt kind of like Old man Yama. Maybe he should grow a beard, just for stroking. He mentally filed it away under `good ideas`, next to watching Matsumoto strip and tracking down Ichigo to fight him, before he returned to the matter at hand. "Hey you!" He said, gesturing up to the guardsman. "Would this be good enough ammo?"

It was quite fair for the soldier to think that the man he thought was his superior had lost it completely. This was always a good assessment of Kenpachi, but this went further. The man was staring up at him, one hand leaning on the necron monolith's side, asking if this was good enough ammunition.

The realization of just what he was planning hit the guardsman like a ton of green bricks armed to the teeth with choppas and declaring a `WAAAGH!` on his head.

"Yeah, I think that would be good enough ammunition...." He broke off, gazing at the sheer audacity of Kenpachi's actions.

Kenpachi slammed his feet into the ground, then grabbed the underside of the one of the corners of the great construct. His arms complained as he lifted the machine high above him into the air. For a moment, it hung there, its green light shining like a beacon across the battle field.

Then, with a truly almighty roar, he threw it.

It sailed across, propelled by the great power behind it. After three, maybe four oh so pain staking seconds, it slammed into its counterpart.

Despite the Necron's masterful technology, it is a fundamental rule of the universe that when two tanks collide, they should explode loudly and with great effect.

In an arc of green fire, the two monoliths collided, seeming to merge together for an instant. Then the light ripped forth, smashing through the departed Necrons in a wall of verdant flame.

As the defenders stood in stunned relief, Kenpachi grabbed his blade and strode to the front of the complex. He made a fine figure, standing there bathed in the eerie light of the wreckage.

"WELL? DON'T JUST STAND THERE IDIOTS! GRAB A WEAPON AND LET'S GO KILL THE REST OF THESE BASTARDS!"

No body moved, apart from one figure. Kenpachi's aid, hoisting a melta gun she had somehow gotten hold off, stood smartly to attention by him.

"Chee. Just you and me then. Let's go."

The girl nodded, her arms and face pale.

The pair strode out of the gate, and looked down upon the necron hordes outside.

In one of the worst military manovours in history, they moved forward like a silent wave towards them, green light flashing from the guns they carried.

And as Kenpachi collided with the main army, ripping apart a Tomb Spider as he did so, he thought to himself only one thing.

This would make a frigging great all division holiday destination for the eleventh.

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This fanfic was based around the mental image of Kenpachi throwing a monolith. Why? Rule of cool I guess.


End file.
